My perfect place is set in Jamaica. I remember the first time I went to Jamaica, the experience of being there was much more pleasing than being in London. I recall waking up early still feeling tired, I went into the car and slept until I got to Gatwick airport. When I arrived at the airport I had to wait in the terminal for over 2 hours, just sitting there board out of my mind as if time felt like every minute was an hour. During that time I went into a few shops and the arcade to let time go by. The time finally came and I made my way to the the plane, in single file everyone made there way to their seats, strapped themselves in and waiting for the pilot to take off. The pilot boarded the plane and went to the cockpit to announce that we’re taking off shortly.
5 mins later I heard the sound of the plane moving, for then the pilot to say that we have to disable all electronics while take off. Everyone immediately done it and all sat back while the plane lifted of into the sky. Throughout the journey I was looking out the window, watching the T.V that was on the back of the seat and sleeping as well since it was a 10 hour flight. As the hours went past I looked out the window and saw the island it looked like small green dot from where I was so high up, and then the pilot announced that we’re landing in Jamaica 10 minutes. I was constantly looking out the window looking at how closer and closer we got to the airport, then it finally happened. We touched ground and the plane stopped.
I unstrapped myself and went to go pick up my luggage, I noticed that when I was walking through the terminal the heat hit me strong the weather it was something else compared to London. When I picked up my luggage I got in the taxi and I was off to a valley where I was staying. Sitting in the back seat of the taxi I was looking around the area, I saw kids playing football with a can, I noticed how the housings are much different from London, and then there was the huge mountains which were great for site seeing.
I got to the valley where I was staying. It was a little house with a huge garden, there was 3 dogs there as well, 1 garde dog and the another pair that were beyond friendly. I stayed there for about week and then it was time for me to go back home. A year from that day I went back to Jamaica but not to stay in the valley it was to stay in a hotel called the Riu. The routine for getting to Jamaica was fairly the same, I woke up early got ready and made my way to the airport. I sat in the terminal for a couple of hours waiting to board the plane, time went past and as I know I was on the plane and off to Jamaica.
After the 10 long hours I was finally there in Jamaica again but for some reason I noticed it felt much different from the last time. For where I hadn’t bin to Jamaica for a few years I forgot what the experience was like, it felt all new to me. I got in the taxi and I made my to the hotel. When I got there it was still early so I made my way to the sweet and explored the hotel for the day. When it came to night time the whole place came more alive, there was more people out and there was shows playing for a big audience. This whole experience of coming to Jamaica for the second time was more enjoyable than before, mainly because of the place I was at.
February 1, 2015 at 10:39 pm
Hi Mason,
This definitely needs to be separated into paragraphs. Be careful to slow your narration down in order to describe what it felt like to be there.
For example when you say “When I arrived at the airport I had to wait in the terminal for over 2 hours because the flight got delayed”, what was that like? What did you hear and see and smell and feel while waiting. Try to select details that give a sense of endless waiting.
“As the hours went past I looked out the window and saw the island, and then the pilot announced that we’re landing in Jamaica 10 minutes.” what did the island look like from the plane?
“but for some reason I noticed it felt much different from the last time.” How was it different? This is vital for the piece, that you’re able to describe how it has changed. You’re allowed to exaggerate reality, if you need to.
This works well: ” I was constantly looking out the window looking at how closer and closer we got to the airport, then it finally happened. ” – a good sense of anticipation built without using the word ‘anticipation’ and then a bit of suspense “it happened”. That’s effective.
This is going well, Mason, it needs a great deal more description to be ideal.
April 22, 2015 at 12:41 am
You’ve made some strong improvements – now the last task is to amend the use of colloquial sentence forms, like where you write “Everyone immediately done it and all sat back while the plane lifted of into the sky.” – you should use ‘did’ rather than ‘done’.
Current grade: Band 3 – 27/40 – C2